I found out I was pregnant with Matty in June of 2008. I was slightly surprised and extremely excited when Matt and I went to my first appointment and the nurse told me "Well, you're pregnant....but I guess you already knew that!" As the nurse began to laugh Matt's eyes filled with tears and as he came towards me to hug me I nervously pushed him away (just from shock I think) and looked at the nurse and asked "Sooooo, I am gonna have a baby?" She laughed and said "that's what usually happens in these cases (still laughing)" It was at that moment reality hit me and I realized I was going to be a mom....a "for real" mom....I remember those thoughts going through my head like it was yesterday....
The day Mattelynn Jude Walker came into this world is the day I became something I had never been before....on January 15th 2009 I became a mom!!! I was filled with all sorts of emotions...emotions I knew I would have like excitement, pure joy, unconditional love, and relief because my baby was here and healthy!! I also became somewhat of a crazy person that day...lol...I all of the sudden noticed just how cruel, harsh, and dangerous this world is. I was convinced that it was my job to protect my child from EVERYTHING!!! Matty's paci was boiled every time it fell out of her mouth, I didn't sleep even when she slept (like tons of people told me to do) because I wanted to watch her breathe just to make sure she was ok, I was the only person in this world that knew how to drive properly, I was the only person that could properly buckle my child in the car seat, change her diaper, bathe her, etc. etc. etc.....long story short....I had no idea there was sooooooo much to protect a child from!!! It didn't end there, not only did I feel it was my job to protect her I came to the conclusion that I was solely responsible for teaching my child EVERYTHING!!! I ordered the your baby can read set when I was only 8mths pregnant with Matty. I was watching infomercials at like 2am and was fully convinced that my baby was going to be the ONLY baby in the world unable to read unless I spent $200 right then and there to order the best of everything they had! Oh, by the way, neither of my babies can read and the your baby can read set was a bust...if you don't have it don't get it...if you do have it I hope you get more for your money than I did because ours have been collecting dust for about 3yrs now!! Thinking back to those first few months with Matty makes me want to go back and do it again....if I could do things differently I would take a deep breath, enjoy my baby more, and enforce the 5 minute rule with the paci!! No one prepares you for those first few months as a first time mom. For me, I had tons of expectations for myself as a mom....I wanted to be everything for my baby.....I wasn't able to reach those expectations (mainly because they were unrealistic).....I felt like a failure often....the more I felt like I wasn't adding up the harder I got on myself and the harder it became to get out of the baby fog (this is the term I have come to use for the first 3-4mths after your baby is born because its all pretty hazy). I wanted to be the marathon runner, Martha Stewart, Marry Poppins, and teacher of the year all rolled into one....I wasn't....I never will be!!
I found out I was pregnant with Micah in November of 2009....It was more shocking than when I found out I was pregnant with Matty!! I was shocked and scared this time! I was shocked because my first baby was only 10mths old and I was scared because I couldn't figure out how to be everything for one child much less two....especially since my first baby was going to still be a baby when this baby came!!! The thoughts flooding my mind this time were....how am I gonna do this, how, how, how???? After some time I pretty much just decided to DO IT and quit wondering how...it was too late to think about how....it was time to DO!!
Micah Andrew Walker was born on July 19th 2010. He was an extremely "happy" baby and very laid back. He ate and he slept.....I didn't really know what to do because he was breastfed and didn't take a paci so I didn't have anything to boil every 5 minutes. I also had a pretty "demanding" 18mth old that wasn't real excited about having a new baby in the house so he wasn't held 24/7 like his sister. I had some "mommy guilt" after Micah was born but it wasn't as intense as when Matty was born. It may be simply because I had to step back and let other people "do" for my children. I mainly worried that Micah wasn't getting enough attention or that Matty wasn't getting enough attention (which at 18mths means that they act out). I will never forget going to the dentist after Micah was born....after he told me I had a couple cavities which came at no surprise....I asked him what I needed to do with my 18mth old because it was a fight to brush her teeth EVERY TIME....he simply told me....sometimes you just have to get in there and DO it....she'll still love you!! Those words still provoke emotions in me....it was like a light bulb went off in my head....to me it meant....relax....you are the mom....your kids love you....just DO what you got to do.........
Where are we today??? We have grown by leaps and bounds!! I am pretty sure I have learned more from my kids than they have from me. I have learned that no one is perfect! There is not one perfect way to raise your children but there are millions of perfect ways to raise your children!! Every child is born to the parents they have for a reason...I believe that God does not make mistakes...I once wondered why my kids were "unlucky" and ended up with me as a mom....why weren't my kids good enough to get a better dressed mom, a more self disciplined mom, a mom with more ways for providing for them, a mom that was crafty, a "perfect" mom is what I thought my kids deserved! I still think my kids deserve the best but I now believe that I am what is best for my kids!! My kids will never have the "best dressed"mom, they will never have an "organized" mom, they will never have the "fittest" mom but they will have ME! They have a mom that loves them unconditionally, a mom that has finally learned that dirty hands and boo boos don't kill but probably produce confidence, a mom that is creative but not the best at finishing the 200 crafts she wants to do, a mom that keeps a clean house but has no clue as to how to actually decorate a house, a mom that once saw exercise as a must that now sees exercise as a leisurely stroll around the park with the kids, a mom that can confidently smile at a nearby elderly woman as her 3 year old says "shit" because she dropped a toy from the dollar bin at target (I also let the elderly woman know her Dad is in fact a sailor and I let Matty know that we don't say those words...I just don't freak out and start thinking I am a terrible mom), a mom that is by no means perfect but that was meant to be theirs!! God has blessed me and entrusted me with 2 beautiful children and I am fully aware of that calling but I also now realize that He has empowered me with everything I need to be everything he wants me to be to my kids. If my kids were meant to have something different they would have been given to someone else! For me there is something calming in knowing that I am no longer having to strive to be something I am not....it frees me to be what I am....I am a quirky, badly dressed, lose my keys daily, loving, loyal, mother of 2!! My children are no more perfect than I am...Micah is constantly breaking something and climbing into places he shouldn't be, Matty can verbally cut me down like a 10yr old, Jack (our dog) poops on our deck almost everyday.....but Micah also gives the biggest smooches and is always making me laugh, and Matty builds me up with her words twice as much as she cuts me down....there is nothing like hearing your child tell you how much they love you, how beautiful you are, how you make their day, and my new favorite phrase she says is "we stuck together like birds of a feather huh mommy?"...I absolutely LOVE that!!!........and Jack...well, Jack greets me like I am his favorite person in the whole wide world despite the fact that I tell him on a regular basis that he is one deck poop away from being put on craigslist....
If I could go back and tell myself one thing before Matty was born it would be to relax!! You are not going to do things the same way others do, that's ok, your not going to be great at everything, that's ok, your child will get dirty, have boo boos, and sometime during the terrible 2's you will be called a poo poo head, your child loves you!!
Oh and I still have crazy spells like just this morning I was ready to wage war on all spider kind when I found one in Matty's closet, I was sure that they would be coming back for vengeance when I killed one of their own....I still think everyone drives terribly (I mean do they not know I am carrying special cargo) and I still occasionally (ok every night) check to see if my kids are breathing when they are sleeping (to my defense...I do only check once and it is just before I go to bed). It's a process, right???
Like Mother like daughter...we have our "own" fashion sense!
Micah just before surgery! Such a happy baby...Mommy was crying!
The past couple of years!!
Time sure does fly by!!
